The following is a humorous story set in the aerospace context. It will seem a bit stiff and formal, perhaps slightly mocking. However, the author holds the established procedures in the aviation industry in high regard. Correctly understood cockpit communication is critical to safe operations.

This is the first time Captain Neil and First Officer Yvette are flying together. They use a checklist to prepare for their flight. Though they are a married crew, they must still adhere to Standard Operating Procedures. This includes the requirement that, in some cases, one crew member must ask for and receive permission from the other crew member before performing certain tasks.

Bold type indicates dialogue spoken by Captain Neil. Italics and bold italics indicate dialogue spoken by First Officer Yvette.

*****

Ready, First Officer?

Yes, Captain. It’s intimidating, being under you in the small space of this cockpit, but it’s my pleasure to be looking up to you. I’ve practiced the docking procedure many times. The expected reward outweighs any fears. I have the required number of hours flying a stick that simulates the one I’ll be flying tonight.

Nervous?

Yes. Hopefully, the flight suit I’ve chosen to wear is appropriate to the mission. Pardon my saying so, but I’ve never seen a flight suit like the one you’re wearing tonight, Captain.

Afraid it will be too long or too hard?

I’m confident the Captain’s choice is required for tonight’s mission.

Here we go then.

Yes, Captain.

You don’t need to be formal.

It’s a habit.

Inspect the Captain’s flight suit, First Officer. 

Inspecting Captain’s suit. This is a new item on the checklist, so I haven’t practiced this inspection. I need to become more familiar with this sack of jewels. Don’t worry. I’ll be careful. I know about completing a thorough examination of the Captain’s suit and the risks regarding pre-mature rocket launches.

Sir! The docking probe! The one in the simulator wasn’t this big! Are you sure this one will match the docking portal?

The engineering drawings said it would. I’ll confirm that when I inspect the portal.

Inspection complete, Captain. Inspect the First Officer’s flight suit. 

The First Officer looked down to the cockpit floor while the Captain inspected the suit’s bells. He completed the scan. He noted that her self-assessment about nervousness was accurate. Since this was the first time they’d be performing a two-crewmember docking together, he felt it prudent to complete a thorough examination of the docking equipment. It was his considered opinion that the probe and the portal were an excellent match.

Inspection complete. First Officer’s flight suit in magnificent condition. The docking portal is approved. By design, it will accommodate several probe variants.

First Officer concurs with your findings, Captain.

Is the First Officer ready to take control of the stick?

Is the stick ready to be flown by someone other than the Captain? Forgive me, Captain. I can’t help it. It’s quite obvious the Captain is ready. However, it is still necessary to follow procedure.

First Officer inspecting stick.

What is the First Officer’s assessment?

Stick ready to fly Captain.

Very Well. Proceed with the checklist, First Officer. 

Captain’s stick.

Presenting stick.

Stiffer than I expected.

Required for Portal Insertion, First Officer.

Yes, I expect you’re right.

Permission to uncover the bells.

Permission granted.

Bell status?

Uncovered.

Bell condition?

Ready for ringing. Waiting for green light.

You have a green light Captain. You are go for ringing First Officer’s bells.

Ringing bells.

Bell accessories inspection.

Both red. Both upright. Both firm.

Excellent. Permission granted for accessory suction!

Establishing suction.

Suction confirmed, Captain.

Sir! Monitors showing suction approaching red line.

Stick condition?

Harder. Accessory suction effective. Stick fully erect now.

Lubrication.

Applied.

You have a green light. The stick is yours, First Officer.

The stick is mine, Captain.

Fly the stick, First Officer.

Flying the stick, Captain.

Ma’am. You fly the stick quite well.

Liquid cargo?

Loaded. Pressure relief valve operating normally.

Liquid volume?

Full. More than enough for today’s schedule.

Stick monitor indicates GO for stick suction, Captain.

Captain concurs. You are GO for stick suction, First Officer.

Captain’s monitor indicating an alert.

Noted. Continue suction.

Yes, Captain! Continuing with suction.

Steady with the stick. Keep ball centered.

Pressure rising.

Wait for it.

Waiting.

First Officer’s stick flying skills are excellent.

Thank you. Pressure in the liquid cargo tank?

Rising steadily.

Rising . . .

Rising . . .

Captain! I’m losing control of the stick. SIR! It’s bucking! I can’t control it, sir! This never happened in the simulator.

Consult the checklist. Where is the cargo to be delivered?

To the bells, captain. Terminating stick suction. Orienting stick to deliver cargo to bells.

OH Ma’am! Pump coming on.

Load 1 delivered.

Load 2 delivered.

Load 3 delivered.

Bells confirm delivery, captain.

Ma’am. Excellent flying. You handled the Captain’s stick quite well.

Thank you. It’s been my pleasure. The stick has been quite forgiving for the First Officer’s handling of it.

SIR! What was that? Another load was just delivered to the First Officer’s hair.

My apologies. My hand jostled the stick when I reached up to inspect the bells. The pump’s switch got turned on momentarily.

Captain, my monitors indicate the docking station ready for pre-docking sequence.

Proceed, First Officer.

Beginning pre-docking checklist.

Probes’ condition.

Lubed.

Deploy secondary probes.

Secondary probes approaching portal.

Status

Arrived at portal.

First Officer agrees it is a GO for acquiring docking station’s sensor.

Acquired. It’s quite slippery.

Activate secondary probes, Captain. Permission granted to sweep the docking station’s primary sensor.

Activated. Sweeping across sensor.

SIR! Sweep action effective. SIR! – Apologies for swearing, Captain.

Swearing encouraged, First Officer.

Wow, Captain. Wow! OHHH SIIIR!

SIR! Oh SIR. AHHH.

There! Right there!

Sensor performing to spec. SIR!

Sensor coming to peak indication. Oh SIR.

Increase sweep rate.

Increasing.

Monitor indicates docking station temps rising.

Still rising. Oh SIR. Sir. Oh sir.

Meltdown about to come! SIR! Begin bell ringing!

Ringing bells.

SIR! Captain. SIR!

Is there a problem, First Officer?

SIR! No problem. It’s just that the simulator didn’t have a bell ringing option installed.

Setting maximum sweep rate.

Oooh SIR! Docking station temp at max. SIR! SIR! Monitor in over-load. OH SIR! First Officer experiencing severe turbulence, captain. Excessive pitch and roll. Severe yaw! SIR! Sorry, Captain. The First Officer has lost control. SIR! SIR! Docking station and the whole ship is on fire.

Enjoy the ride.

Turbulence subsiding, captain.

Sweep rate set to Low.

Retract secondary probes.

Retracted.

Damn! SIR! Excuse my language, Captain.

You did well, First Officer.

Pre-docking sequence complete, Captain.

Concur. Captain ready for docking checklist.

Yes, Captain. Docking checklist. Docking Portal. Reporting secondary probing mission accomplished. Auto lubricating. Portal ready for docking.

Seeker head status.

Fully inflated.

Head color.

Deep Purple.

Head pressure.

Maximum.

Pre-docking checklist complete.

Continue.

Throttles.

Set.

Portal acquisition.

Coming into view. OH! Ma’am. Excellent view of the portal.

Rocket orientation.

Approaching portal from above.

Portal condition.

Ready.

Portal guidance system.

Upright V configuration.

Captains hands.

Stabilized on bells.

Oh, SIR! Captain. Your fingers gripping the bell’s accessories is lighting up the control panel.

Captains eyes.

Assessing docking portal readiness.

Seeker head.

losing in on target.

Alignment with portal.

Perfect. Request permission for probe insertion.

You are Go for insertion.

Thrusters.

Ready.

Portal acquisition.

Acquiring.

Insertion.

Insertion Complete.

Sir Captain. Oh, Sir! Aaghhh.

Ma’am, First Officer.

Green Light. All systems go. Sir the First Officer, Captain.

Ma’am-ing the First Officer.

SIR! SIR! SIR! You were right Captain.  The portal is adapting well to the probe.

Thruster configuration.

Set for max repetition rate.

Head condition.

Maximum penetration.

Monitor confirms maximum penetration being achieved.

Docking station cargo transfer checklist.

Proceed.

Thruster set max performance.

Confirm.

Thruster condition.

Good.

Pump Pressure.

Approaching red-line.

Siiiirrr!

Ma’ammmm!

Thrust harder captain. Oh, SIR! Stay with me Captain. The ship is becoming unstable again. I don’t want to lose probe-lock.

Thrusting harder.

Siiiirrr!

OHH Ma’am!

Siiiirrr!

Don’t stop Siiiirrring me! Ahhhh! Grab the bells. More suction on the bells. OH SIR!

First Officer. Thruster pressures nearing red-line.

Sir me captain. Sir me.

Ma’aming the First Officer harder. OH Ma’am. Ma’am. Cargo transfer imminent.

Pump condition.

Ready.

Open pump valve.

Delivering load.

Load delivery.

Complete.

Thruster.

Backing away from portal.

Bells.

Ringing them, First Officer.

That was a good first SIR, Captain. The first Officer enjoyed it.

I’m glad you enjoyed it. I know I loved Ma’aming you.

FITREP?